The Need For A Life Purpose And Compass

BrainBoss-The Need To Be Aligned To Your Life Purpose

It's Exhausting Without Direction

 

James (name changed for privacy) is an entrepreneur in his mid-thirties who approached me with the following issue: “I have been lacking clarity and guidance for a long time, and it’s time to clean up my mental mess and get some tools and guidance and an action plan. I often don’t get the reward for all the things I do, or I pay for it with stress and poor health.”

James felt powerless without clarity, and things were just happening to and not through him.

People often struggle when they have not found their purpose in life. This is what I understood was happening with him.

 

What Is Purpose In Life?

 

In psychology, purpose in life (PIL) is a robust intention to accomplish something that is personally meaningful and at the same time to contribute productively to the greater good. In other words, not only search for your meaning in life, but also make a difference in the world beyond yourself.

This definition of PIL implies that you have a personal value system to define what is meaningful for you and the motivation to accomplish something in the future.

 

Benefits Of Life Purpose

 

“What’s the benefit of knowing your life purpose?” you wonder. Turns out knowing your meaning in life is good for your physical and mental well-being.

Studies in psychology and neuroscience have found that having a life purpose can have powerful health outcomes: lower risk of cardiovascular diseases, a calming effect on immune system activity and enhanced recovery from negative events.

All important health factors — whether you’re running a Fortune 500 company, an entrepreneur or a high-level professional.

Another important aspect of PIL is that a sense of purpose in one’s career is correlated with both greater satisfaction at work as well as better work-related outputs.

Imagine you’re a hospital cleaner. Day in and day out you perform the same basic tasks. Let’s assume you just see yourself as a janitor in the hospital. How would you feel then? Would it affect your mood? How would you score your job satisfaction?

Most of us would feel depressed, with low job satisfaction.

Let’s assume that you see yourself as part of the overall healing process and you see your role as a healing function. How would you feel then? Would it affect your mood? How would you score your job satisfaction?

This is exactly a situation psychologists investigated. They learned that cleaners who saw their role as part of healing function were more satisfied and spent more time with patients, worked more closely with doctors and nurses and found more meaning in their jobs compared to the cleaners who just considered themselves as janitors.

What is so remarkable in these findings is that seeing yourself as part of the greater good determines your well-being and performance. If cleaners in a hospital find a purpose in their work, we can begin to appreciate the positions we are holding within our organizations.

 

Explore Your Purpose In Life

 

I normally start the process with the question: “Who are you?” and repeat the question until clients strip away surface definitions of profession, family or gender to go deeper and deeper to their inner essence — the core of their existence.

This is a good starting point for defining your PIL.

 

Practice 1: Know what matters.

Values are statements about what we want to strive or aim for on a continuous basis. There are guiding principles like beliefs and goals that are important and emotionally positive for us. Values are highly individualized.

Values are like a compass that gives us direction toward our PIL and keeps us on track while we’re traveling. Using your values in this way will guide you in choosing actions and making decisions that are aligned with your core values and rejecting actions that are not aligned with them.

One exercise to define your values is “Imagine your 80th birthday.” Two or more people make speeches about who you are and what you stand for, what you mean to them and what role you have played in their life. In your ideal world, where you have lived according to your values and beliefs, what qualities are they mentioning about you?

Write down the qualities that are said. Write down at least 20 to 25 words. Now cross out the words you don’t resonate with as much. Narrow down the list to five or fewer words. Now find a tagline that combines all the remaining words.

Some examples: wise counsel (mine); focus - develop - raise up (James')

 

Practice 2: Recall what you loved to do.

Recall what you loved to do as a child between the ages of 7 and 14. This is the time your talents emerged and were often shuttered by demands from school and parents. You can also ask your siblings, parents and friends what you loved to do and what made you thrilled.

This exercise will reconnect you with your true desires and what you wanted to do in your life.

 

Practice 3: Know your strengths.

I ask all my clients to do the CliftonStrengths assessment. It is a great tool to understand ways you most naturally think, feel and behave.

From here you can align your values and actions in complete harmony.

James revealed the guiding system "focus - develop - raise up." As a child, he always loved to build things. When asked to connect this passion to his business he realized that he is not the one who will maintain a business but will start one. His core strengths were completely aligned with his direction: futuristic, developer, focus.

With this awareness, he was able to restructure his business in a way that acknowledged his strengths and to create a business that brings joy and beauty to the world.

 

Source: The article was first published on Forbes on 13. Dec 2021

Interested?  Let’s work together.

Are you facing a moment of transition, are self-sabotage, crippling procrastination or perfectionism preventing your success or are you are a stressed-out "achievement junkie"?

Could it help you to speak to a professional? 

My goal as an executive coach is to reveal your mental & emotional blocks AND apply your strengths & skills. No matter where you are in the world, the sessions are held online on a secured health line.

With my unique ground-breaking BrainBoss Method you are able to uncover the deeper roots of thoughts, feelings and behaviour AND instantly Rewire your brain for success ad well-being.

An over 15-years career in counselling and coaching provides you a safe space for your personal transformation. 

Contact me today to learn how I can help make things better!  www.brainbossmethod.com

Imposter is Ruining your Success

Beat Imposter Sydrome

How To Beat Imposter Syndrome For Good

 

I GOT A PROMOTION AND I START PANICKING ABOUT IT. 

I’m offered a new and higher position. I have been working towards this position for a long time. And the moment I got the offer, I froze. And do you know what I tell myself: “Hopefully nobody from the management team finds out that I cannot do it very well.” Viewed objectively: B.S. Otherwise I would have not gotten this promotion. I have the academic degrees, the right work experience and great references. But it lingers in my mind that I’m undeserving of this promotion.

Can you help?


Dear Anonymous,

Doubting ourselves is normal. Most people have thoughts like “Am I good enough?” or “Do I deserve this?” However, these kinds of thoughts can become problematic if you start to believe you’re a fraud and compulsively hide your accomplishments under a bushel. 

This phoneme is called Impostor syndrome and describes high-achieving individuals who, despite their objective successes, fail to internalise their accomplishments and have persistent self-doubt and fear of being exposed as an intellectual imposter. They attribute success to external factors like luck or help from others while considering setbacks as evidence of their inadequacy.

Research shows that it can affect both men and women from all ethnic backgrounds.

During my years as an executive coach I’ve worked with dozens of clients who suffered from imposter syndrome. The biggest psychological barrier my clients had to overcome was that failing to attribute their performance to their actual competence impacted their mood and mindset in conscious and unconscious ways.

This affected their overall work experience (feeling always pressured to work harder, feeling demotivated, inner resignation) and their satisfaction with life.

That’s why it’s important to get a handle on the emotional and psychological factors that could be hindering your success and well being so you can understand and correct them.

Imposter Syndrome often comes with low self esteem anxiety and fear of failure.

The key to overcoming imposter syndrome is to regain a sense of control — because feeling in control is the direct opposite of being trapped in negative self doubts. 

5 Ways to Overcome Imposter Syndrome

 

1. HONOUR YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS 

Write a journal every evening and list three positive work experiences. It is important to highlight your qualities and competencies. Ask yourself: “What kind of competence diI use today to accomplish a specific task or achieve a specific goal?” Do this exercise for two weeks to boost your self-esteem. It may feel very unfamiliar in the beginning to honour your achievements. Do it anyway.

 

2. LEARN TO RECEIVE POSITIVE FEEDBACK

Set yourself the goal to tolerate compliments or gifts, even if they make you uncomfortable (and they will). The best way to avoid your reflex of shoving off compliments is to prepare some responses and learn to use them immediately whenever you get positive feedback (promised you will feel like a robot). Responses can be: “Thank you” or “How kind of you to say that”.

 

3. PRACTICE SELF COMPASSION

Imposter comes with an addition: that critical voice in your head (that mostly bothers you with useless chatter). One way to deal with your inner critic is to replace it with self compassion. Would you talk to someone else or your children the way you talk to yourself? Hopefully not. So whenever the inner critic starts talking, turn it around and ask yourself what would you say to a dear friend or your child if they were in your situation.

 

4. CONTROL THE SHOW

Another way to deal with your critical voice is to tame it. How? Just put your negative self judgement into a short sentence: “I'm a fraud.” and hold onto this belief for 10 seconds. Now inside your head silently sing this thought to the melody of “Happy Birthday.” Or hear the sentence in the voice of Mickey Mouse or your favourite actor/actress. What happens when you do so?

 

5. LIST YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Listing all your accomplishments and the skills you used will remind you that you did not reach them by accident (therefore make a note for every accomplishment in which external factors helped you). You can even go a step further and write to every competence additional evidence to make your competencies and skills bulletproof to your inner judge.

 

Overcoming your Imposter Syndrome requires work, as it involves developing and maintaining healthier emotional habits but doing so, and especially doing so correctly, will provide a great emotional and psychological return on your investment. If it is too much work for you or you don't manage to overcome it on your own reach for professional help. The BrainBoss Method can help.

 

Interested?  Let’s work together.

Are you facing a moment of transition, are self-sabotage, crippling procrastination or perfectionism preventing your success or are you are a stressed-out "achievement junkie"?

Could it help you to speak to a professional? 

My goal as an executive coach is to reveal your mental & emotional blocks AND apply your strengths & skills. No matter where you are in the world, the sessions are held online on a secured health line.

With my unique ground-breaking BrainBoss Method you are able to uncover the deeper roots of thoughts, feelings and behaviour AND instantly Rewire your brain for success ad well-being.

An over 15-years career in counselling and coaching provides you a safe space to for your personal transformation. 

Contact me today to learn how I can help make things better!  www.brainbossmethod.com

I’m A Serial Procrastinator

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The Function and Reason Behind your Procrastination

 

I am a serial procrastinator.

I have been very successful in my career. I am currently attending a programme to pave my way into my own business, but I don’t follow through. I don’t post or make a video to become visible. Suddenly I have all other things to do (though I don’t need to) like washing clothes, organising club meetings or talking to my adult kids and solving their problems. This behaviour can go on for days and weeks.

What makes me do this? I think something in my head prevents me from working on my tasks. Something in my head blocks me and I don’t know what it is. 

I feel so guilty about procrastinating and at the same time I feel relieved that I do not need to expose myself. Can you help?


Dear Anonymous,

Know that you’re not alone with it. Procrastinating is actually quite common among humans. No need to feel guilty. But your question isn’t actually about guilt; it’s about the behaviour that provokes it — why you want to create something for yourself, yet get so uncomfortable when you have to expose yourself and your idea that you don’t post.

You speak about that something in your head is blocking you.

There are several reasons, behavioural and psychological ones, that can explain such a mental block.

Washing clothes, organising club meetings etc. have one function in common: Escape the adverse situation. And feeling a relief by avoiding it, reinforces your procrastination. “Yeah I am free!” And I believe that the host of the programme isn’t penalising you for not following through. 

While this explains the function of your behaviour, it does not explain the source of your avoidance. You write that you decided to work for yourself and invested into a programme and yet you choose to attend to tasks of others and not yours.

This emotional conflict about posting - it often has to do with your underlying self-definition, your basic sense of who you believe yourself to be. Common thoughts are “Am I good/talented/skilled enough?” “What if it won’t work?” “What if people reject me?”

Most humans have such thoughts. In our childhood and adolescence we had bad experiences that felt horrible and anxious and we had little to do about it. Those experiences formed a definition about ourselves.  

From there we went into higher education and start a career path. That’s when we realise that we have strong skills, and that bad things rarely happen and if they happen we are able to cope with them. And you mentioned that you are very successful in your career.  I guess you gained skills that prompted you to start your business.

Transitioning from working for someone else to working for yourself with full accountability, is quite unpredictable and unfamiliar. Often in such situations our default emotional reactions we developed in childhood and adolescence surface despite the changes and growth we developed. We avoid experiencing failure and stay in safe mode. 

These discrepancies usually mean that our underlying self-definition has not fully incorporated our adult realities into our sense of self.

What Can you do to Overcome the Underlying Source of your Procrastination? 

 

Update your self identity programme. This means acknowledging that you are not the child of the past anymore, but an adult who has newer strengths and capabilities.

Here’s what I suggest.

Remind yourself of the greater why of your business. Do you want to help others in a specific skill and capability that you are strong in? Do you want to provide this safe learning space for others? I assume you say yes. So every time your child self wants to avoid posting and feels overwhelmed, remind yourself of your why and your skills. 

This inner voice may say: “Don’t do this. People will see you as a fraud.” or “Leave it. You will fail!” or “You are narcissistic posting about yourself.”

And your adult self may respond: “I hear you. It is possible that I will fail, but the probability is very low. In such a case I use the outcome as a feedback to learn from it and enhance my skills and capabilities.” Or “That’s a good point. But now I choose to work on my business because it is not only about me, but all the people who will benefit from my skills as did my previous employer.”

Most importantly inform your inner voice about all your skills your adult self has. Better list them in a journal and choose one skill every day and write an abstract about how this skill has shown up at work and life. This will prove to your subconscious mind that you indeed have skills as an adult now. If you want to take it a step further you can rewrite the narrative of your life. Write about all the ways you matured and developed and overcame challenges that contrasts any of your fears and doubts.

With the BrainBoss Method you will be able to update your self identity on the fast lane. Together we will go back to events in your childhood and adolescence in which you learnt the first self concepts about yourself. You will be able to change the programming from the source and replace it with more supportive thoughts and behaviour. This will allow you to create different outcomes and new learning in your life. How? New beliefs about yourself will allow you to behave differently from your default actions.

There is hope for your procrastination. Updating your sense of identity by acknowledging your skills and capabilities will reduce your anxiety, which in turn will reduce your avoidance behaviour… releasing the block in your head so that you contribute something important to the world: Your skills and strengths.

Interested?  Let’s work together.

Are you facing a moment of transition, are self-sabotage, crippling procrastination or perfectionism preventing your success or are you are a stressed-out "achievement junkie"?

Could it help you to speak to a professional? 

My goal as an executive coach is to reveal your mental & emotional blocks AND apply your strengths & skills. No matter where you are in the world, the sessions are held online on a secured health line.

With my unique ground-breaking BrainBoss Method you are able to uncover the deeper roots of thoughts, feelings and behaviour AND instantly Rewire your brain for success ad well-being.

An over 15-years career in counselling and coaching provides you a safe space to for your personal transformation. 

Contact me today to learn how I can help make things better!  www.brainbossmethod.com

6 Tips How To Raise Low Self Esteem

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What Causes Low Self-Esteem?

 

"I want to improve my online visibility but don’t dare make videos to show myself in photos."

Thank you very much for this important question that will help so many others too.

We all can recall the fairy tale when the queen/king gets challenged by the mirror that there is someone else who is prettier or more handsome or better.

Nowadays online presence has replaced that mirror.

For most people this is a daily battle: Someone is always better and we feel that we are not enough or perfect.

Who says that? Who is that voice in the mirror?

In the past maybe a caretaker, peer, teacher…

And now?

You.

The voice is your own voice judging your appearance, talent, intelligence.

Self-Esteem: Take These Steps To Feel Better About Yourself

 

There are many ways how to deal with the voice in your head. Let’s take a negative thought that gets in your way often e.g. I am not attractive enough.

 

1.Suppress it - not so good as it will push itself to the front in moments when you feel not being in control.

 

2. Challenge it - Ask yourself if the statement is a fact and if it is 100% true most of the time. If it is not 100% true all the time, answer NO. If it is true 100% of the time, answer YES and ask yourself, if this belief is supportive or productive for you.

 

3. Contradict it with evidence: Come up with a positive thought that could be more productive and supportive for you. For example: “I am facing new people every day. They never reclined because of my looks. Indeed, they trusted me and enjoyed my company.

Back it up with three statements that give you credit saying your positive thought.  Examples: “10 customers wrote a great statement about me and my services.“I shared a video of me on FB and people got really engaged.”

 

4. Root it up: Find the root source of your negative belief program. It can be a belief you have created during your childhood, a belief that was given to you through your ancestral line, or was implanted by society or past life experiences.

The key is to dig to the power knot that holds all beliefs together and smash it. Closing all neuronal connections of that neuronal network by using the Brainboss Method.

 

5. What your fear has cost you: Make a list in your journal what fears has cost you and the world not to share your views and mission.

 

6. Face the mirror: Stand in front of the mirror and speak these positive words:
I (state your name, am proud that you … (state 3 pots of pride).
I (state your name), forgive you for … (state 3 points for forgiveness).
I (state your name), I commit to you that… (state 3 commitments).

Write in big letters on your mirror: I am enough.

Or look daily into the mirror, focus on one eye and say “I love you" 10 times.

 

Summary

The voice is created between your ears - in your head - and sometimes it sits on your shoulder…

Take back your control. You are the director of your life’s theatre… with these tips you take up the lead and give your voice another message.

 

WHICH TIPS ARE YOU PUTTING INTO ACTION?

-> Share your experiences in the comments below.

Interested?  Let’s work together.

Do you need to make some changes at work, a different job, or a more satisfying relationship? Could it help you to speak to a professional? 

My goal as a coaching psychologist is to provide rapid and long-lasting changes for goal-seekers. No matter where you are in the world, the sessions are held online on a secured health line.

With my unique ground-breaking BrainBoss Method you are able to uncover the deeper roots of thoughts, feelings and behavior AND instantly Rewire your brain for success ad well-being.

An over 15-years career in counseling and coaching provides you a safe space to for your personal transformation. 

Contact me today to learn how I can help make things better!  www.brainbossmethod.com

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Leadership In An Anxious And Uncertain World

BrainBoss Method-Lead in VUCA World

Be a Leader in an anxious world

 

"We are in a restructuring process in most parts of our company: we are changing teams and leaders, we’re reacting to the current situation. The question that comes up all the time is: ‘Where do I go from here? And how do I lead people through uncertain situations?”

We are living in challenging times indeed. Times that push us into the new with little preparedness. All organizations are affected, from businesses, to schools, civil service structures to governments. Some organizations react and others respond to your questions.

People who are leading others are expected to provide strategic solutions and measurable results, hence forgetting the human aspect of the quotation: the underlying anxiety and uncertainty.

Imagine that nobody has been in such a situation before. Hence, there are no maps guiding you.

I realize that any solution to this current situation is not based on economic knowledge anymore, but on the ability to deal with complex and uncertain situations.

Let’s look at some aspects of how you can bring certainty and motivation to the people.

Brain Hacks To Lead in Ambiguity and Uncertainty

 

1. Self-Awareness
If a situation is uncertain and perceived as stressful, the amygdala — the primal region of the brain associated with fear and anxiety-related memories — is activated. This awareness starts with you. Are you suppressing thoughts like: “I am not in control?” or “I am overwhelmed?” If you want it or not, people are sensing these feelings inside you.

Therefore, the best thing you can do as a leader is to express these feelings to yourself by journaling it or even express it to your team like: “These are challenging times. I have not been in such a situation before. I believe nobody has. Let’s go through this uncertainty together, step by step, in the best way we can.”

 

2. Purpose and Direction
Purpose is one crucial key motivator that shifts the focus to action and moving forward instead of remaining in the fear zone. Purpose shifts the attention to the we. Give your team a strong reason to hang on and go with you through current and future threats. Ensure that your team members understand this purpose through interpersonal talks.

Best leaders provide a clear direction and are honest about the fact that the direction may need to be adjusted if circumstances change.

Define clear roles for team members and set with them their individual goals. Give regular brief feedback about their current status and acknowledge their valued contributions.

 

3. Autonomy and Creativity
Another important motivator is autonomy. After you have defined roles and goals, let go of control and trust team members to schedule their own time and activity how to reach their goals. Let them work when they are at their best to produce the best outcomes. Novel new solutions are coming when you are loosing the grip from your cognitive control system to find paths that have never been taken before.

Create moments of creativity by leading brainstorming sessions with your team or teach team members ways of intuitive insights like meditation or intuition exercises. Start the creative process by asking: “Where do I go from here to there?” Imagine all what you don’t want to experience and what you wish to experience as an outcome.

 

4. Action despite Feelings
ACT action commitment therapy focuses on showing the client that they can act in accordance to their values in high states of anxiety, depression, stress. As a leader you can transfer these principles to your organization. If employees are aligned with the purpose of the organization and find their values reflected in it, they are more likely to prioritize actions to fulfill their values. The question you may want to ask  is: “What makes it important for you to stay and work?” Relating to their values makes it easier to commit to actions.

 

5. Reassess
While you are navigating towards the given direction, be open to additional information that could help you evaluate whether your direction is working out or not. If one option does not work out, see this as part of the creative learning process.

Keep your team informed and remind them you are doomed to make mistakes as nobody has the golden map. Know that for mastery you have to try out what works and what does not work all over again.

 

6. Remain optimistic
Best leaders are believing from within that something good is going to happen. At the end of the day they write down with their team three amazing things that happened to them to keep this optimistic view present as things are already good in the now.

 

Summary

Let me close with a quote from Winston Churchill:

“Continuous effort, not tenth or intelligence, is key to unlocking your potential.”

From the above tips select two you want to put continuous effort in?

-> Share in the comments.

-> If you know someone who will benefit from it, share this post with them.

Interested?  Let’s work together.

Do you need to make some changes at work, a different job, or a more satisfying relationship? Could it help you to speak to a professional? 

My goal as a coaching psychologist is to provide rapid and long-lasting changes for goal-seekers. No matter where you are in the world, the sessions are held online on a secured health line.

With my unique ground-breaking BrainBoss Method you are able to uncover the deeper roots of thoughts, feelings and behavior AND instantly Rewire your brain for success ad well-being.

An over 15-years career in counseling and coaching provides you a safe space to for your personal transformation. 

Contact me today to learn how I can help make things better!  www.brainbossmethod.com

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6 Ways To Tame Your Emotions

How To Tame Your Emotions

You Can Control Important Meetings From Within

 

In my position I often have important meetings in which I have to represent myself. It should be routine by now, but such situations still make me uneasy and uncomfortable. What can I do?

 

Thank you very much for your openness. The biggest issue most leaders face in such situations are the feelings and emotions that come with it.

Based on your framing of the meeting the internal alarm system signalizes a potential threat and reacts with an automated stress response that’s not even in your conscious control. As a consequence you feel uncomfortable and uneasy and don’t react in the way you had intended. And sometimes even in ways you judge yourself after.

If your internal system is on fire, you can’t hold a board meeting in the same building.

There are some ways top performers/leaders are doing before and during the meeting.

Neurohacks to regulate your emotions and your response 

 

1.Change the frame. If you label the meeting as something important where you have to shine or even deliver a negative message, it puts pressure on you and the circumstance. If you now label it as an “exchange of information among people with a positive intention”, how does this make you feel now?

 

2. Anchor yourself in the present moment. Feel your feet firmly on the ground, and imagine roots going from your feet into the ground. Feel deeply rooted. Additionally, imagine a tree trunk from your buttocks downwards. This simple exercise gives you not only stability but also lets you better focus on the meeting.

 

3. Get panoramic. Expand your eyes to both sides to get a panoramic view. With a panoramic view you can take in more information about what's actually happening in a conversation. In contrast in a stressful situation you tend to concentrate on a particular thing.

 

4. Breathe like the seals. Use a specific breathing technique to get into a more relaxed state and buffer the sympathetic response. Breathe in through your nose in two stages: starting from your belly up to your chest. Then exhale with an audible breath expressing relief. Combined with the panoramic gaze you have an instant tool to stay calm and concentrated.

 

5. Label Your emotions. Be in your body to sense what is going on there. Emotions are energy in motion that are creating sensations in your body like tension, tightness, numb etc. It is then another brain region in the insula area of the mid-brain that interprets these sensations as feelings. And at this point you can gain control. Label the feeling and sensation in your body: “I feel…. (overwhelmed, not understood etc.)” or “I sense that my … (belly, fist, chaw etc.) feels (tight, tensed, numb etc.). You will realize that the energy will shift as you separate yourself from your emotions. You are not your emotions anymore.

 

6. Color the scene. If you feel that you are not acting the way you intended, set a stop signal and color the whole scene with your favorite calming color. With your imaginary eye, splash the color all over the people, the table, the walls… until your feeling shifts to a neutral zone. From here you can do the panoramic gaze and the breathing to encourage the parasympathetic system for reset.

 

Summary

With all these neurohack tools from grounding over gazing to coloring you are in a better leading position to focus your attention on the other person or persons and respond to answers and create a conducive environment.

 

As you have read this information what is your favorite tool?

-> Share in the comments.

-> If you know someone who needs to read this, share the article with them.

Interested?  Let’s work together.

Do you need to make some changes at work, a different job, or a more satisfying relationship? Could it help you to speak to a professional? 

My goal as a coaching psychologist is to provide rapid and long-lasting changes for goal-seekers. No matter where you are in the world, the sessions are held online on a secured health line.

With my unique ground-breaking BrainBoss Method you are able to uncover the deeper roots of thoughts, feelings and behavior AND instantly Rewire your brain for success ad well-being.

An over 15-years career in counseling and coaching provides you a safe space to for your personal transformation. 

Contact me today to learn how I can help make things better!  www.brainbossmethod.com

Like What Your Read? 

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How To Overcome Imposter Sydrome

BrainBoss-Overcome Imposter

I think I'm a Fraud

Most people see me as a very confident person. I am a very successful business consultant and best selling author. And sometimes I think to myself: ‘Hopefully, nobody will ever find out that actually I am not so good at it and things are so easy for me ? What can I do about it”

 

This is a feeling several people have approached me. It is a pattern, in which you doubt your accomplishments or talent and you have a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as fraud.

This phenomenon is known as imposter syndrome.

This might be because at some point in the past, your school results or sporting activities were measured against an ideal and then focused on the short fall. This may have imprinted a message that you’re not capable of showing your full potential. Additionally, well meant criticism “to work harder to achieve more”, may have resulted in working 'hard' to achieve results and to fulfill expectations.

Whatever the cause may be, you can change this limiting mind model.

Signs of Imposter Sydrome

Below you can find common signs of Imposter Syndrome.

  • Self-doubt
  • An inability to realistically assess your competence and skills
  • Attributing your success to external factors
  • Berating your performance
  • Fear that you won't live up to expectations
  • Overachieving 
  • Sabotaging your own success
  • Self-doubt
  • Setting very challenging goals and feeling disappointed when you fall short

Overcome Your Imposter Sydrome

 

You say that others perceive you as confident. That’s an asset already that you were able to develop a strong persona. Additionally, you are aware of what triggers your uncertainty like being exposed to new and challenging situations, having to ask for help, not feeling comfortable telling your truth, doing things too easily.

Now you only need to change your focus. List down everything in your life and assess if you cheated to achieve it. Did you buy your academic test result? Did you engage a ghostwriter to write the book?. Attach all references of your clients to the list.

You mention that things are very easy for you. Honor your talent that you understand things very fast and find a solution. That’s a cognitive ability. With this you can even help your clients and take away pressure when they realize that issues that may appear complicated can be easily handled.

You are an adult now and you do not need approval from parents anymore to be liked. You can define what success means to you at your own terms, you can value yourself for all the actions you are taking to pursue your goals. If you achieve them or not is not the question, but if you enjoy the ride and create value for yourself and others.

You have the power for change in your own hands

 

Do you know someone who has to read this?

-> Share with them the article.

Leave your questions in the comment section below.

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Interested?  Let’s work together.

Do you need to make some changes at work, a different job, or a more satisfying relationship? Could it help you to speak to a professional? 

My goal as a coaching psychologist is to provide rapid and long-lasting changes for goal-seekers. No matter where you are in the world, the sessions are held online on a secured health line.

With my unique ground-breaking BrainBoss Method you are able to uncover the deeper roots of thoughts, feelings and behavior AND instantly Rewire your brain for success ad well-being.

An over 15-years career in counseling and coaching provides you a safe space to for your personal transformation. 

Contact me today to learn how I can help make things better!  www.brainbossmethod.com

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4 Ways How To Reconcile With Your Parents

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The Psychology of Forgiveness

 

"Meeting my parents is really annoying me and it’s really toxic. Last time I was there, a small comment from my mother really triggered me and we ended up in arguments. I am actually thinking of breaking up the contact. What shall I do?"

This is a question a lot of clients ask me. It is common that children clash with their parents when they are already adults and have their own family. 

The reason behind is that you are still part of the system of your original family and old conflicts and hurt experienced as a child are still alive. In the moment when you're triggered it is that small child inside you that is reacting not you as an adult.

Not you is triggered, but the small child inside you.

As a child you are fully dependent on your parents or caretakers for protection and love. At that time we have not yet developed coping strategies to deal with certain situations or protect ourselves. If basic needs of safety, love and belonging were not met, it creates an imprint that is used in similar situations in life.

Based on this I recommend these four steps on how to handle your parents. These steps you can also adapt to your boss, colleague or partner. 

4 Ways How To Reconcile With Your Parents

 

1.Write a Conciliation letter 

Write a letter and list all the needs that were not fulfilled by your parents and all the events that were hurtful for you as a child. Do this separately for each parent, caretaker, classmate etc. 

You can use phrases like: “I really felt shame, humiliated, helpless, abandoned, anxious, not loved, not good enough, that you did…” “It still stands between us that you…” or “I resent you, that…”

If it is difficult for you to write you can use the alter ego of a wounded child writing this letter: "One day Jim sat down at his bed and wrote the following letter…"

Do not send this letter to the actual person. This letter is for you. Keep it and reread it all over again and reflect on it to acknowledge the feelings of this child. And one day you will recognize that the emotional load has subsided. Then it is the time to burn the letter or give it into a river to carry it away.

This process can take several weeks to write and finally let go off the emotional load.

Bonus: You can do the same if you have a current issue at your workplace.

You can find templates for this conciliation letter below for immediate. download.

 

2. See your parents as part of their circumstances

After you have healed the inner child inside you, you are more able to reflect on the circumstances of your parents. Their upbringing? Their relationship with their parents or siblings? 

Realize that you never were and never will be the savior of you parents and that you are not able to change your parents.

You can only acknowledge the behavior of your parents, you don't need to approve it.

 

3. Plan your time with your parents

You are an adult now and you don't depend on your parents. You can respect them for what they are: The people who brought you to this earth.

Decide how often or how long you want to see your parents. If you already know that being in the house (childhood house) together will cause a similar dynamic, go out with them to a restaurant, mall etc. Be aware that you have now the ability to protect yourself and you do not need to let their words in.

 

4. Shift the Energy in your Family System

With systemic family constellation you can have a closer look at the dynamics and the roles that are still present in your family of origin up to this day.

Your own family members don't need to be present. Participants of such a workshop will stand in for family members.

In this facilitated session you have the opportunity to heal destructive behavior, initiate forgiveness and restore balance in the system.

Systemic constellation work works also in workplace settings.

 

Summary

In order to reconcile with your parents it is important to heal your inner child first so that you can act as an adult to adults.

Know that it is not you the inner child, but the grown up adult.

Direct confrontation with your parents can often cause guilt and defensive behavior in your parents. If you still wish to directly talk to them have the conversation outside your normal gathering and give it a positive preamble (e.g. I want to improve the relationship with you.”

 

As you have read this information what is your first action?

-> Share in the comments.

-> If you know someone who needs to read this, share this article with them.

Immediately download the Conciliation letter with templates below.

Interested?  Let’s work together.

Do you need to make some changes at work, a different job, or a more satisfying relationship? Could it help you to speak to a professional? 

My goal as a coaching psychologist is to provide rapid and long-lasting changes for goal-seekers. No matter where you are in the world, the sessions are held online on a secured health line.

With my unique ground-breaking BrainBoss Method you are able to uncover the deeper roots of thoughts, feelings and behavior AND instantly Rewire your brain for success ad well-being.

An over 15-years career in counseling and coaching provides you a safe space to for your personal transformation. 

Contact me today to learn how I can help make things better!  www.brainbossmethod.com

Like What Your Read? 

Register below and receive monthly advice!

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5 Ways To Be an Empathetic Leader

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Developing Empathy - A buzz Word in Leadership Development

 

I have been in leadership positions for 5 years now. I don’t want to come across weak. Why should I develop empathy?

I can understand your point of view that an empathic leader could come across weak. It depends how you define empathy. 

We are wired as social beings. Empathy has a crucial place in our evolutionary history to create social bonding in a versatile environment.

Empathy is either the sensations and feelings we’re getting in response to the emotions of another person or understanding other people’s perspective or feelings.

In my opinion these are crucial skills of a leader. It reflects to others how you are perceived: insensitive, protective,  demanding or collaborative and integrating.

Have you ever asked yourself how your own feelings and emotions could be picked up by people around you? Your own uncertainty and fear being transferred to the whole team?

Or how insisting on your own point of view could hinder other ways of problem solutions and manifest the way of least resistance.

Doing something about empathy now, could change the coherency of your team.

Let me share with you 3 tips how to be more emphatic and be perceived as a great leader:

5 Empathetic Tips For Effective Leadership

 

1.Listen actively. Listen to the other person as everything they’re saying is secret information. Notice what is also transmitted with the message (feelings, intentions). Be rather an observer than a critic who is already looking for the next argument or question to respond.

 

2. Don’t interrupt or edit: Hold on to your temptation to interrupt the person to bring the massage to the point. This allows the speaker to fully express their view and point. Make it a goal for yourself to repeat the original information.

 

3. Respond to the person: Go beyond the story and respond to the person behind the story:  “Wow. I can really feel your enthusiasm and commitment!

 

4. Paraphrase: Take up the information and make it your own. Use your own words to mirror back what you have understood and what you have picked up from the emotions.

 

5. Bring in your opinion: When you bring in your point of view let it be information instead of pretending you have the truth: “In my opinion” or “I heard someone say.”

 

Summary

Empathy is a skill that can be learnt.

If you apply these tips into your work life you will discover an increase in the quality of outcome, better team coherency and better performance. 

 

PS:

Be surprised when your 360 feedback improves

Source: Jeffrey Allen (hearing your own filters)

As you have read this information what tip you want to follow?

-> Share in the comments.

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Interested?  Let’s work together.

Do you need to make some changes at work, a different job, or a more satisfying relationship? Could it help you to speak to a professional? 

My goal as a coaching psychologist is to provide rapid and long-lasting changes for goal-seekers. No matter where you are in the world, the sessions are held online on a secured health line.

With my unique ground-breaking BrainBoss Method you are able to uncover the deeper roots of thoughts, feelings and behavior AND instantly Rewire your brain for success ad well-being.

An over 15-years career in counseling and coaching provides you a safe space to for your personal transformation. 

Contact me today to learn how I can help make things better!  www.brainbossmethod.com

Like What Your Read? 

Register below and receive monthly advice!

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4 Instant Ways To Have A Better Mindset

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You Create your own Reality with your Mind

 

"I really try to tell myself that I will get a job again. But there’s always a voice telling me: It won’t work out. The work situation is really bad. And I’m over 40. What can I do?”

Thank you very much for this important question. What if I told you, that this voice in your head is your own voice. And this voice can tell you anything about how ugly you look, that things won’t work out, that you’re not qualified or that you are amazing, brilliant, ready to receive etc. 

It is your choice which of these voices you want to listen to.The mind cannot hold two conflicting beliefs at the same time. Therefore, you have to choose. Which one will you follow?

Let's look at four ways how you can reset your mindset for a better outlook.

Proven Tips For a Better Mindset

 

1.Make your thought a funny comic character

Take this voice out of your head and put it on your thumb or on the floor. Now imagine it as a funny cartoon character like Dagobert Duck chatting with you in its funny voice about all the bad things it has to say. Will you listen to its “chatter”?

 

2. Question your thought

Start a debate with your thoughts: “Interesting. From where did this come from? Who told you this? How did they come to this conclusion?” Then you can bring arguments for your antidote based on life experiences like “I was unemployed before. It was not my best time, but also not terrible. I stayed open minded and positive and in the end someone came from nowhere and guided me to my job.”

 

3. Choose the right words

Your subconscious mind is programmed to do exactly what you tell it to do or to be. If you fill it up with negative words about yourself and the situation, it will give it back to you as commanded. It believes you. Therefore, be wise with choosing words that lift you up and make you who you want to be: “I am getting it. I am brilliant. I am enough…”

 

4. Good or bad - who knows

Let me tell you an old Chinese story about a farmer who used an old horse in his fields. One day, the horse escaped into the hills and when the farmer’s neighbors sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

A week later, the horse returned with a herd of wild horses from the hills, and the neighbors congratulated the farmer on his good luck. He replied, “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?”

Then, when the farmer’s son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone again sympathized with the farmer over his bad luck. But the farmer’s reaction was, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and drafted every able-bodied youth they found. When they saw the farmer’s son with his broken leg, they let him stay.

Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?

It is often our labeling of the situation that creates all the negative feelings associated with it. Identify the situation that you have labeled as bad. 

Now write this question: “Could this turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me?”

Write down your thoughts.

Also write down: “Is there anything I can do to make it the best thing that happened to me?”

 

Summary

Whatever is created in your reality happens between your ears: in your mind and brain.

It is up to us how we create this reality by using mindfulness, re-framing or dialogue with our mind. In the end the best thing is to observe rather than giving it any meaning.

-> Share your answers in the comments.

-> If you know someone who needs to know about these tools, share this post with them.

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Interested?  Let’s work together.

Do you need to make some changes at work, a different job, or a more satisfying relationship? Could it help you to speak to a professional? 

My goal as a coaching psychologist is to provide rapid and long-lasting changes for goal-seekers. No matter where you are in the world, the sessions are held online on a secured health line.

With my unique ground-breaking BrainBoss Method you are able to uncover the deeper roots of thoughts, feelings and behavior AND instantly Rewire your brain for success ad well-being.

An over 15-years career in counseling and coaching provides you a safe space to for your personal transformation. 

Contact me today to learn how I can help make things better!  www.brainbossmethod.com

Like What Your Read? 

Register below and receive monthly advice!

Yes, sign me up for monthly newsletter emails from Silk Celia with highlights of her blog and vlog. For more information on how we use your information, check out our Privacy Policy. You can change your mind anytime by unsubscribing.