#COMMUNICATION
4 Ways How To Reconcile With Your Parents
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The Psychology of Forgiveness
"Meeting my parents is really annoying me and it’s really toxic. Last time I was there, a small comment from my mother really triggered me and we ended up in arguments. I am actually thinking of breaking up the contact. What shall I do?"
This is a question a lot of clients ask me. It is common that children clash with their parents when they are already adults and have their own family.
The reason behind is that you are still part of the system of your original family and old conflicts and hurt experienced as a child are still alive. In the moment when you're triggered it is that small child inside you that is reacting not you as an adult.
Not you is triggered, but the small child inside you.
As a child you are fully dependent on your parents or caretakers for protection and love. At that time we have not yet developed coping strategies to deal with certain situations or protect ourselves. If basic needs of safety, love and belonging were not met, it creates an imprint that is used in similar situations in life.
Based on this I recommend these four steps on how to handle your parents. These steps you can also adapt to your boss, colleague or partner.
4 Ways How To Reconcile With Your Parents
1.Write a Conciliation letter
Write a letter and list all the needs that were not fulfilled by your parents and all the events that were hurtful for you as a child. Do this separately for each parent, caretaker, classmate etc.
You can use phrases like: “I really felt shame, humiliated, helpless, abandoned, anxious, not loved, not good enough, that you did…” “It still stands between us that you…” or “I resent you, that…”
If it is difficult for you to write you can use the alter ego of a wounded child writing this letter: "One day Jim sat down at his bed and wrote the following letter…"
Do not send this letter to the actual person. This letter is for you. Keep it and reread it all over again and reflect on it to acknowledge the feelings of this child. And one day you will recognize that the emotional load has subsided. Then it is the time to burn the letter or give it into a river to carry it away.
This process can take several weeks to write and finally let go off the emotional load.
Bonus: You can do the same if you have a current issue at your workplace.
You can find templates for this conciliation letter below for immediate. download.
2. See your parents as part of their circumstances
After you have healed the inner child inside you, you are more able to reflect on the circumstances of your parents. Their upbringing? Their relationship with their parents or siblings?
Realize that you never were and never will be the savior of you parents and that you are not able to change your parents.
You can only acknowledge the behavior of your parents, you don't need to approve it.
3. Plan your time with your parents
You are an adult now and you don't depend on your parents. You can respect them for what they are: The people who brought you to this earth.
Decide how often or how long you want to see your parents. If you already know that being in the house (childhood house) together will cause a similar dynamic, go out with them to a restaurant, mall etc. Be aware that you have now the ability to protect yourself and you do not need to let their words in.
4. Shift the Energy in your Family System
With systemic family constellation you can have a closer look at the dynamics and the roles that are still present in your family of origin up to this day.
Your own family members don't need to be present. Participants of such a workshop will stand in for family members.
In this facilitated session you have the opportunity to heal destructive behavior, initiate forgiveness and restore balance in the system.
Systemic constellation work works also in workplace settings.
Summary
In order to reconcile with your parents it is important to heal your inner child first so that you can act as an adult to adults.
Know that it is not you the inner child, but the grown up adult.
Direct confrontation with your parents can often cause guilt and defensive behavior in your parents. If you still wish to directly talk to them have the conversation outside your normal gathering and give it a positive preamble (e.g. I want to improve the relationship with you.”
As you have read this information what is your first action?
-> Share in the comments.
-> If you know someone who needs to read this, share this article with them.
Immediately download the Conciliation letter with templates below.
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9 Ways Introvert Executives CAN have an Active Social Life
Be an Introvert and Have an Active Social Life.
Being an introvert and having a social life might seem be contradictory, but it’s possible for both to coexist.
Balance is the key to successfully combining introversion and social activity. Too much social activity can be exhausting for an introvert. Too little will leave him longing for social interaction. Being an introvert doesn’t require spending 100% of your time alone. Introverts can have fulfilling and active social lives.
Use these strategies to have an active social life and still enjoy your time alone:
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1.Avoid pretending to be something you’re not. If you’re not an extrovert, stop pretending that you are. Not only will you be acting in a disingenuous manner, but you’ll also wear yourself out. This strategy will only convince you that an active social life isn’t a possibility.
2.Consider your perfect day. If you were able to plan your perfect day, what ratio of people time to alone time would you choose? Attempt to create enough social contact to match that ratio. In addition, consider whether the time spent with others would include friends, family, or strangers.
3.Focus on quality. An introvert typically doesn’t want 50 casual friends. He wants a few, close connections. Everyone has a limited amount of time to spend on social activities each week, so spend your time wisely.
- A few meaningful connections may be more satisfying and less stressful than many casual friendships.
4.Be willing to decline offers for social activities. It’s okay to turn down offers for social contact. Stay home if your energy levels are waning. Going out when you’re already drained will ensure a miserable experience.
5.Create the habit of being social at least once per week. Even if you have friends already, you run the risk of losing touch with them if you don’t spend time together on a regular basis. Once a week, either see your current friends or spend time making new friends. Have a standing date to be social one night each week.
6.Have a predictable social gathering at least once per month. Join a club, a sporting league, or take poker lessons. Get out of the house at least once each month for a structured social event.
7.Consider the venues that match your introversion. A loud, crowded bar or nightclub might be a little too much for your tastes. Perhaps coffee or a trip to the bookstore with a friend would be choice that is more enjoyable. All will have a better time if you match an activity with your comfort.
8.Introduce yourself to at least one new person each month. It could be a neighbor, friend of a friend, fellow employee, or a complete stranger. Follow up with others that seem compatible and interesting. It’s okay to let the rest go. Within a year, you’ll have at least a few new connections. A few might be all you need.
9.Learn to ask open-ended questions. It can be tiring to be the focus of a conversation. The solution is simple: ask questions that encourage others to talk. Avoid questions that can be answered with a simple question like, “Where did you go to school?” Instead, ask them what they enjoyed most about college.
- A few good questions will keep the other person talking for a long time.
- With a little practice, you’ll be known as an excellent conversationalist. Interestingly, you won’t have to say much.
It’s possible to match your introverted personality with an active social life. Your version of an active social life might be different from that of an extrovert. What matters is that you’re enjoying your life to the fullest and spending some quality time with others. Stretch yourself, but it isn’t necessary to make yourself miserable on a regular basis. Focus on quality relationships.
For coaching, workshops and speaking. Please feel free to contact me here: brainbossmethod.com
Silke Glaab (aka SilkCelia) is a psychologist (MA) who helps executives, entrepreneurs and experts to be more resilient to stress and dramatically improve their thinking and feeling so that they enhance their performance and leave a legacy in their companies, their lives and the world.
Silk uses rapid transformation therapy to help clients to transform the roots of a presented issue within minutes while using neuroscience to boost brain power and emotional intelligence to create mindful behavior and decision making in all areas of life.
Silk holds a master degree in psychology and has worked for over 20 years as a trainer, consultant and counselor in divers industries in Germany, Kenya, and Dubai. She is personally trained by the celebrity hypnotherapist Marisa Peer and the neuroscientist Prof. Dr. Kennedy.
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